no good deed.
No Good Deed Goes Unpunished: My Dead Mother’s Lifetime of Kindness Was Never Repaid
By Marisa Nguyen-Minh Ha
Queens, NY - When I was a child, my mother was the strongest person I knew. Born in Hanoi, Vietnam, the women in my family (especially my mother) were always the ones to sacrifice—eating last and falling asleep exhausted in whatever work clothes they had on. Before my mother died, she had given her entire life to her eight siblings. She did everything for them, yet they did not return the kindness when she passed. Her children were left to handle all of the arrangements, something she would have never done to one of her siblings if they had died. Her selflessness was never reciprocated, proving that kindness, when given without boundaries, is often taken for granted rather than honored.
There is an old saying: "No good deed goes unpunished." While it may sound cynical, for women in particular, this phrase carries an undeniable truth. Society has conditioned women to be agreeable, nurturing, and self-sacrificing—to be "nice" at all costs. Yet, time and again, women who extend kindness without boundaries find themselves exploited, dismissed, or even punished for their generosity.
From an early age, women are taught that their value is tied to their ability to accommodate others. In school, girls are praised for being cooperative and polite, while boys are encouraged to be bold and assertive. As adults, women who enforce their boundaries are labeled "difficult" or "unlikable," while those who overextend themselves are lauded as selfless—until they are no longer useful, at which point they are disregarded.
This conditioning seeps into the workplace, where women who go the extra mile—mentoring colleagues, taking on unpaid emotional labor, or assuming thankless tasks—rarely see those efforts rewarded. Instead, they are often overlooked for promotions, while their male counterparts reap the benefits of their goodwill. Women who refuse to be taken advantage of, on the other hand, are often branded as "cold" or "too ambitious," reinforcing the absurd expectation that they must either be submissive or face professional and social backlash.
In personal relationships, the same pattern emerges. Women who prioritize others’ needs over their own often find themselves in one-sided friendships, toxic relationships, or exhausting family dynamics where their kindness is taken for granted. The expectation that women must always be accommodating creates an environment where their "good deeds"—whether in the form of emotional labor, caregiving, or simply saying yes when they want to say no—are not just unappreciated but weaponized against them.
It is time to retire the outdated and dangerous expectation that women must be eternally "nice." No good deed should be done out of obligation, nor should it come at the cost of one's dignity. Women deserve more than to be punished for their kindness—they deserve the power to define their own worth on their own terms.