How Men ruin pregnancy

How Men Ruin the Pregnancy Experience for Women: A Reflection on Selfish Men and The Postpartum Period

By Ximena Rodríguez-López

I recently read an article shared in our Discord from Substack, written by Zawn Villines, titled “Men, not hormones, are the leading cause of postpartum depression.” Zawn identifies as a writer, mother, feminist, and advocate, and her piece deeply resonated with me. It immediately brought to mind my sister’s pregnancy and birth—an experience that has haunted me to this day, and is the main reason why I refuse to have children. Don't get me wrong, I love children, I just don't think that I can go through what my sister went through.  My nephew is now a wonderful 12-year-old boy, completely unaware of what his mother endured when she carried and gave birth to him. He doesn’t know, because shortly after his birth, at around 18 months old, my sister left him in our grandmother’s care in the Bronx.

I vividly remember the night of her labor. The blood on the bathroom floor in our apartment is seared into my memory. I pressed the button for the elevator as she leaned weakly against the hallway wall, too exhausted to stand upright. We waited an eternity for the taxi to arrive and take us to Bronx Lebanon Hospital, now known as The BronxCare Health System. Even as she struggled through unbearable pain, her focus was on trying to contact the baby’s father, desperate for him to join her at the hospital.

This man had promised to leave his wife and support her, but he wouldn’t even answer the phone. As her contractions worsened, her pain became unbearable. After hours of labor, the doctor informed us that she would need a C-section. My sister broke down in uncontrollable tears. She had been terrified of the idea of surgery, and now her worst fear was coming true. I held her hand as long as I could, but when they rolled her away, she opted to be put to sleep for the entire procedure.

The next day, as she lay in her hospital bed, she couldn’t even bring herself to look at her baby. At home, things only deteriorated. Instead of focusing on feeding her son, we fed him formula while she spent her days trying to get in touch with the baby’s father. He eventually answered her calls, but he was indifferent to the birth of his child. As months passed, her conversations grew louder and more desperate. She talked about telling his wife or filing for child support. Only then did he visit the house to see the baby—twice. His visits were brief and perfunctory, and soon, he was gone for good.

Six months later, my sister left her son with my grandmother and moved out. She visits occasionally, but she was never the same after that experience. My sister is intelligent; she knew, deep down, that this man was unlikely to leave his wife. Her breakdown wasn’t rooted in naive expectations but in the neglect and cruelty she endured during her pregnancy and after giving birth.

This is why Zawn Villines’ article struck such a chord with me. It reframed my understanding of what my sister went through. I had assumed she was suffering from postpartum depression, but the article made me realize how much of her sadness stemmed from the treatment she received at the hands of the man who was supposed to support her. Zawn’s insights are a call to action for all women who hope to become mothers—to recognize that much of the emotional toll of pregnancy and motherhood isn’t inevitable or hormonal but rooted in the dynamics of their relationships. My sister’s story is a powerful testament to that truth.

Zawn Villines is correct in her analysis of pregnancy and the postpartum period. While cultural narratives often depict pregnancy as a shared journey between partners, the reality for many women is far different. Men—whether as partners, policymakers, or participants in broader societal systems—frequently undermine, control, or misunderstand the pregnancy experience, robbing women of autonomy, respect, and joy during what should be a transformative period. 

In many intimate relationships, pregnancy becomes a flashpoint for unbalanced emotional labor. Women often bear the brunt of planning for the baby, attending medical appointments, and managing the physical and mental toll of pregnancy, all while navigating their partner’s needs and expectations. Some men fail to appreciate the depth of what their pregnant partners endure. Dismissive comments, lack of engagement, or outright criticism—whether about a pregnant partner’s weight gain, decreased intimacy, or emotional needs—compound the challenges women face during pregnancy. Add to this the emotional toll of mood swings, dietary adjustments, and the overwhelming anxiety about the approaching labor, and it becomes clear how these factors contribute to the depression many women experience after their babies are born.

Zawn Villines makes a compelling case against the long-held notion that postpartum depression is primarily caused by hormonal changes. In her article, she challenges this assumption with evidence-based observations, writing, “In the first two weeks after birth, hormones are shifting wildly, and this is associated with a risk of mood swings. That’s why most people report some form of baby blues after birth. But the hormonal swings of the postpartum period only last 6 to 8 weeks. Thereafter, if a mother is breastfeeding, her estrogen levels remain low. And otherwise, they return to normal. Neither can explain postpartum depression.”

Her argument highlights a critical flaw in how society attributes emotional struggles to women’s hormones. Villines points out that women are conditioned to believe that estrogen causes instability, an idea perpetuated by consumer health sites and cultural stereotypes. However, she challenges this claim by noting that estrogen levels drop postpartum, yet this doesn’t correlate with higher depression rates. Furthermore, studies on postmenopausal women, whose estrogen levels remain low, show improved well-being and reduced rates of depression.

This perspective struck me deeply as I reflected on my sister’s experience during and after her pregnancy. Watching her struggle, it always seemed reductive to blame it on hormones alone. Zawn Villines’ insights shed light on the broader, systemic issues at play—how societal pressures, neglect, and lack of support from partners are often overlooked contributors to postpartum depression. Villines’ analysis provides an invaluable lens for understanding my sister’s experience and underscores the need to shift the narrative away from oversimplified hormonal explanations to address the real challenges women face during this transformative period.

Click here to read Zawn Villines's Article.  

Click here to subscribe to Zawn Villines's Substack.